It feels like months since I suggested to Raven we get girlfriends but in reality it's only been a few days. It's Saturday and the sun shining into the kitchen feels warm. I sip my coffee and try to think about how I'm going to spend my day. Both kids asked to go to friend's houses so it's just me and Raven. I decide I'm going to binge watch 'Snapped' until I feel like doing something. It isn't until Raven walks into the living room that I realize I've been sitting there for three hours. "Can we talk?", he asks sleepily. I point to the coffee pot behind him, "you might want to drink some of that first". He snorts, "you're definitely right". As Raven pours his coffee, I slowly saunter into the kitchen, trying not to let myself get anxious. "So uh, a girlfriend huh?". Damn don't skirt around the issue babe. I nod. "Well, I'm ok with it if you are. We just need some rules". Again, I nod, sipping my coffee like I've lost the ability to speak. "We need to meet the girlfriends face to face. No sneaking around either. And we are always open with each other. If something feels wrong or off, we say something". I sit in silence, not sure if I'm shocked he agreed or shocked he already has rules. Rules are important to Raven, especially in our relationship. Raven stares at me, waiting for my reaction. After what feels like days pass, I respond. "Those all sound good to me. Did you have someone in mind?". Raven smiles, "Yeah actually, she is on my stream alot, her name is Brittany". I feel crushed. Why do I feel crushed? Is it because he already chose someone? Am I not enough? My mind runs away from me and my insecurity starts to show. My eyes fix on the counter as I try to keep the tears forming from falling. Raven must sense what's in my head, he gently presses his fingers under my chin and raises my head to meet his gaze. "You are my priority. Always. I love you and you will always be the most important woman in my life". That should comfort me but it doesn't. I'm the one who suggested this whole thing, why am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself? I blink and nod at Raven, he smiles, thinking his words comforted me enough. My heart pings. I have cheated on him in the past. This must be what it felt like for him. That thought only makes my heart ache more. I'm such an asshole. Maybe by letting him have a girlfriend I can redeem myself with him. Being a psychologist I already know that's not true. I could end up hating him. I know I'm a jealous, insecure person. I know how broken I am. My fragmented mind is all over the place and I feel the urge to get up to do something before I start crying. I walk past Raven, keeping my eyes trained on the floor. I lock myself in the bathroom before he can catch up with me. Deep breaths Kat. Deep breaths. Raven knocks at the door. "You ok?". I feel like he already knows the answer but I respond anyway. "Yeah I'm fine. Just needed to pee". Liar. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. 

We spend the day doing our own thing. I paint and Raven fiddles around in the office, playing his guitar. Eventually he asks what I want for dinner. Like a typical woman I have no idea. "Well they are fresh out of I don't know so figure something out". Smart-ass. I settle on ordering Chinese and despite the fact Raven hates when I order out, it's just us, so he concedes. We eat dinner before Raven goes out to the office to stream and I head to the bedroom to read. Once again I find myself reading the same paragraph over and over. Tonight feels different. Is it because we agreed to the girlfriend thing? Or because I have a gut feeling that he's talking to his now girlfriend? Bile climbs my throat, jealousy squeezes my chest tightly and I shake my head. You suggested this dumbass. Stop it. I decide to flip on my favorite show and watch it until I fall asleep. 

The next morning I pick up the kids and start cleaning the house. It's my usual Sunday routine. Raven is still asleep, no idea when he finally came to bed last night. It doesn't bother me because I know he's adjusting himself for a week of working nights. I keep myself busy for most of the day, knowing full well down time means time I can get lost in my mind. I clean, read, and sit down to start painting. I have no idea how long I sit there until my daughter Alice taps me on the shoulder. "Uhh when are we eating dinner mom. It's 7". Shit. I didn't mean to sit here that long. I stand and stretch myself. My bones ache and groan. My shoulders and knees crackle like I'm crinkling up paper. Damn I'm getting old. I head to the kitchen and start pulling out everything I need to make pasta. I love pasta. It's my comfort food. Raven bought me a pasta press last Christmas and I joke with him all the time the damn thing is going to raise a white flag in defeat from how often I use it. Alice asks if she can help. She loves mixing the dough together, but cranking the pasta press? Not so much. I accept the help and she starts pouring the flour. Her cherubic face lights up as she mixes in the eggs. Alice is my mini me with a few exceptions. She loves to wear her hair short, she's obsessed with sharks, her favorite color is yellow, and she is a fantastic artist. I paint but I willingly admit my 13 year old daughter is better than I ever will be. Once we get to the part where I need to push the pasta through the press, she goes to her room. Making pasta is a good way to relieve stress. It's hard on your shoulders and arms. The soreness creeps into my hands as well. Once I'm finished Raven pops into the kitchen. "Oh I didn't know you were doing that. I would've helped". I shrug. I can do it on my own although admittedly it's much easier for him. Raven brings me the sauce I made over the summer from the pantry. My great Nana would be so proud of me. I joke all the time she shakes her little ghosts fists at me every time I make pasta from a box or use a jar of sauce. My son Aaron walks into the kitchen, his feet pounding against the floor. I get his feet are the size of boats but does he have to walk on his heels? He smiles and looks just like his dad. "Ma, it's like you can read my mind. I was just thinking about your pasta". I look up at him and grin. Aaron is taller than his dad and at 15, I know he had a lot more growing to do. I lift my sauce spoon up and let Aaron taste it. His eyes close and he whispers, "perfection". Aaron wants to be a chef some day so I make a point to let him taste test my food. We settle into our nightly routine, eat dinner, showers, bedtime. Raven disappears into the office and I curl up in bed. I stare at the wall, my book closed on my lap. I know I want to read. It's my one escape and I have a pile of books I want to get through. But I can feel the edges of my mind darken and I know I won't be able to focus. I turn on the TV and flip through Netflix until I find something I feel like watching. As I sink into my bed it dawns on me, tomorrow I get to see Christine. A smile creeps across my face and I bite my lip. I should not be this excited to see a woman I can't have. I don't care. Her presence is addicting and I feel like I want to keep chasing that high. I close my eyes and see her face. She's going to be the death of me.

Weeks pass by as I settle into my new job. My days slowly are getting more filled and I actually have to look at my calendar now before I schedule a visit with someone. I prefer to be busy. Keeps my mind quiet. I have so many demons that love to intrude my thoughts and I welcome any distraction that comes my way. Jackie pops her head in my door. "Alright I'm getting nachos from Rancho Viejo want anything?". I grin. Fuck it. Nachos sound amazing. We've grown close over the last few weeks. Gone out for drinks, sit in each other's offices and talk about the most recent office gossip. She's definitely my people. "I think I'll have what you're having but I need a soda too. I feel like I could fall asleep at my desk". Jackie shakes her head. "I feel your pain friend. I'll let you know when it gets here". 

Lunch arrives and I sit in Jackie's office devouring my nachos trying my best not to burp repeatedly. For the first 15 minutes we sit in silence, stuffing our faces, and slurping on our drinks. Jackie is the first one to break the silence, "So guess who I saw sucking face yesterday when I was leaving work?". My eyes work their way to hers. "Lacey and Christine. They were in Christine's office. I'm guessing they thought the door was closed all the way but man were they wrong". A growl forms deep within me. I want to smash Lacey's face into the floor. I roll my eyes and continue to eat my food. "I even heard moaning the other day too. I mean in the office? Come on now". My eyebrow twitches up. Sounds hot to me. Public sex is a kink of mine and I don't remember the last time I did it. Jackie continues on, "I don't know how their spouses haven't figured it out yet. It's not like a lot of us work here. Word spreads like wild fire around here". She's not wrong. Raven and I had a fight on the phone last week and before the end of the day three different people came and asked me if I was ok. We've been fighting a lot lately. He tries to talk to me about his girlfriend. I would rather shove hot pokers in my eyes. I'm not a fan of Brittany. Deep in the pit of my stomach I feel like she wants more from Raven than he can give her, it feels like she wants him for herself. The thought makes my stomach turn. "Hellllloooooo" Jackie says sarcastically. I snap my eyes to her face. I got lost in my mind again. "You good?", she asks. I nod. Liar. Jackie and I sit there for about thirty minutes. We chit chat about meaningless stuff but I'm glad she's helping me keep my thoughts at bay.

I walk back to my office and slump in my couch. I don't have another client coming for another hour so I kick off my shoes and lie down. It's not long before I hear a knock at my door. Before I open my eyes I already know who it is, Christine. We've been spending some time together and while I know she's still with Lacey, I flirt with her relentlessly. I open my eyes and immediately I'm drawn into the ocean of blue. I sit up and Christine plops down beside me. My breath quickens. Having her so close to me and not being able to touch her drives me insane. "So I've been thinking, me and the girls are due for a night out for some drinks. I don't know when or where yet but I figure I need your number so I can text you when I figure it out". I smirk. "Oh really, is that the only reason?" I purr. Christine's cheeks flush. I love making her do that. "Well duh" she responds, her cheeks reddening with her answer. She's a terrible liar but I play into it. I give her my number and she gives me hers. A dangerous game she's playing and she doesn't even know it yet. Christine adjusts herself on the couch. Her phone pings and she looks at the screen. She grumbles and shoves her phone back in her pocket. "Spam?" I ask, facing her now on the couch, my arm outstretched to the point where I'm almost touching her. "No" she sighs, "its Lacey. She's so damn clingy sometimes. Drives me nuts". I grin like the cat that ate the canary. Noted, you don't like clingy. "Its like she needs to know where I am all the time and if she doesn't have my attention she loses her mind". I catch myself smirking. "It's not funny!", she quips, "Some days I feel like I should block her number for a few hours so I can get some peace!". "Do it. I mean what is she going to do?". "Stalk me probably". I snort. Dramatic response but she's probably not wrong. She sighs and stands up. "I guess I need to go see her before she goes psycho on my ass". Jokingly I respond, "Is that your official diagnosis?". Christine flashes that smile that makes me weak, "I'm not the Doctor here you are. You tell me". I shrug, "if the shoe fits". Christine giggles and walks out of my office. I lay back down on the couch, inhaling her fading scent where she once sat. I don't think 10 minutes pass before I get a ping on my phone. I groan but my mood instantly changes when I read the message.

Hey it's Christine. Just wanted you to know the psycho let me live another day. 

I smile. She just opened Pandora's box and doesn't even realize the danger she just put herself in.

The last few days I've been texting Christine like my job depends on it. Memes, silly jokes, things I like, nothing too serious. I don't think I've put my phone down since it started. It's innocent most of the time but every once in awhile I sneak in something salacious. I tell her what kinks I like, how I'm a switch, even a few of my turn ons. I know that each time I do her cheeks are flushing and I relish in it. Christine vents to me about her marriage, why she cheats, and how Lacey continues to get on her nerves. I let her get it out because I know my job makes her more comfortable. I know how to keep my mouth shut. Unlike other people in this office, I don't spread other's business around. Christine texts me a lot. I don't mind because it makes me feel like I've finally invaded her brain as much as she has mine. I vent with her too, things I wouldn't care if anyone else knew like how I wish my husband's girlfriend would fall off the planet, how I'm struggling with my jealousy, and how it's causing thoughts to leak into my mind that make me sick. Christine reassures me the jealousy will pass once I find someone, little does she know I already have. 

All these messages between Christine and I make it very difficult for me to focus on other people, especially when my phone vibrates during a session. I want to read it but I also know if I pick up my phone my brain will shut out whoever is in my office with me. After my last client of the day leaves I realize it's only 2 and I have three more hours before I get to leave. I decide to catch up on my notes when my phone pings, I scramble to pick it up. 

Do you think I'm pretty?

It's Christine. I bite my lip and try to refrain from speed texting her back a juvenile response. She doesn't need to know how addicted I am. Not yet. I swallow hard and respond. 

I think you're beautiful, why do you ask?

I hit send and impatiently wait for her response. It feels like time has slowed and seconds feel like hours. My phone pings and once again I'm fumbling to pick it up.

Just had a thought that crossed my mind. That's all. 

I'm frozen. What was she thinking? What's on her mind? I'm petrified. Before I can respond, my phone pings again. 

I just want to know what it would be like to kiss you. 

I drop my phone like it's made of lava. My eyes wide and my mouth dries. She what? What?! Keep calm Kat keep calm. You cannot spazz out right now. I wring my hands together and start to pace my office. How do I answer that? Fuck fuck fuck. My phone pings again. I race over to my desk, nearly tripping over my own feet. 

Don't worry, I wasn't going to kiss you. Lacey would kill me. But every time I see you walk down the hallway, especially in a dress, I can't help but stare at your lips. 

I swear I feel my stomach drop out of my ass. I was not expecting this. Not at all. What am I supposed to do with this information? Calm down Kat you're a grown ass woman. Get your shit together. I breathe deeply and force my heart to slow down. I have to think of something slick. Something flirty. Something that makes her want to act on her thoughts. It doesn't take long before I'm typing like a mad man and hit send. 

Well I'm glad to know I'm on your mind beautiful. You definitely never leave mine. 

Perfect. I know that was good because if she sent it to me I would've dropped to my knees. Christine doesn't respond and I don't care. Think about it baby, take all the time you need. 

Finally it's 5 and I'm more than ready to go home. Raven won't be there, night shifts again, and I'm glad for it. We still aren't getting along and I know why. It's me. I'm a jealous hypocrite and I can't stand to think about him touching another woman, yet here I sit, fantasizing about what I would do to Christine. I hear footsteps outside my door and before I can get my barrings, Christine opens the door. She smiles softly at me and for once she looks like the cat that got the cream. "So I'm on your mind huh?" My face heats up. Don't overreact dumbass. "I mean, you do text me a lot so yeah, I would say you're on my mind quite often". Her smile drops. Her eyes slowly drop to the floor and she looks like I just kicked her dog or something. Shit. I walk towards her and wrap her hand in mine. Her blue eyes slowly lift to meet mine and I can see the sadness behind them. That's the last thing I ever want to do to her. I pull her into my office and shut the door. A puzzled look streaks her face. She tries to stare back at the floor but I put my hand on her cheek and lift her face so her eyes are once again fixed on mine. I lean into her, my body pressed against hers. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her into me. Our lips are so close and I can feel her tremble beneath my hands. She's nervous. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest I feel like it's going to jump out and land on the floor. Her breath hitches and she shivers. I take a deep breath and whisper, "Does this answer your question?". I pull Christine into me hard. My lips pressing against hers. Her body relaxes and a fire begins to grow between us. Electricity dances between our lips as I pull her into me harder. My hand grabs her hip and a small moan escapes her. Her lips part and I take the opportunity to slide my tongue into her mouth. She moans louder this time, placing her hand on the back of my head, weaving her fingers into my hair. Time stops and nothing matters but her. I growl as my hand makes it way up her waist. Christine pushes me into the wall and I groan into her mouth. My nipples harden underneath my silk bralette. She tastes deliciously sweet. Christine pulls away from me for only a second before she grinds her body into mine. Our lips connect and I gasp as the electricity sends shock waves through my body. A familiar throbbing begins between my thighs. I ache to know what she tastes like, everywhere. It feels like fire and ice flood my veins. I never want this to end. I bite her lip and she presses into me harder. My hand slips beneath her shirt and slowly makes it's way up. She moans as my fingers brush across her nipples. It arouses me to feel a metal ball there and I give it a sharp tug, she gasps and grinds her hips into mine. I hear voices outside my door and Christine quickly pulls away from me. My body feeling her absence causes me to growl. I move towards her but she steps back, pressing her finger against her lips. I recognize one of the voices, fucking Lacey. I ache and press my thighs together, noting the wetness that has gathered there. Christine is holding her breath, my heart is pounding. I want to push her back onto my couch, rip down her pants, and taste the sweet nectar I know is there. The voices slowly move away until we can no longer hear them. Christine exhales loudly and her body relaxes. I move towards her but she puts her hand up. Like that would stop me if I really wanted to have my way with you. "I have to go", she squeaks out. I squeeze my eyebrows together and feel myself glaring at her. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Christine grabs the door handle and stops. She turns towards me and I quickly move to her. She plants a small kiss on my lips, her cheeks flushing red, then scurries out my door, shutting it behind her. I collapse on the floor. What just happened? What did I do? I sit on the floor, closing my eyes and remembering her soft moans and how good it felt to have her body against mine. Lost in my thoughts I nearly jump out of my skin when my phone pings. 

I'm so wet right now, I can't think straight. What have you done to me?  

I can't help the devilish grin that plasters my face. Oh you have no idea what I want to do to you. I know I have to respond. 

Don't worry beautiful, next time I won't stop until I know what sounds you make when you come. I don't care who walks by. 

I wait. It's not long before my phone pings again. All she responded with is a wide eyed emojii. You belong to me now beautiful. You're mine.